Spring - a collection

An apology

Greetings true believers! I owe you an apology - it has been brought to my attention that to donate through JustGiving.com you have to enter your credit/debit card details. I didn't know this and I am a little pissed off about it, as that is a donation and surely goes against the whole idea of sponsorship?

I am sure there is some reason, but I am disgruntled - sponsorship is about someone getting off their arse and using it as a motivating factor in achieving something. If all of the money is already raised why bother? Its almost as bad as Chugging!!!

So, I would ask if you want to donate, please send me an email to chardo709@hotmail.com with the amount that you will pay on my successful conclusion. Once I have completed the ride I will hunt you down like dogs and extract the cash from you, just like the "Disco Against Drugs" event at school. Except this time I won't buy a £10 draw with the sponsorship money, what an Irony.

If younhave already donated, thanks for your trust and support - if you haven't, please do!!

Don't Crash!!

Interesting place England in that it is divided neatly into two, and one half is called The North, and the other is The South.

I have spent much of my recent weeks in the areas known as "The North", and I can tell you there is nothing like driving back from Huddersfield on a Friday evening to make you get out on a bike on Saturday Morning!!

So, how have things been going I hear you cry? Very well thank you, I have been training well, and the mileage is increasing, and also I have been getting faster on Tuesdays night ride, but I was suitably humbled last week by a strange occurrence, which forms our lesson for today:

Crashing and how to avoid it.

I hadn't actually crashed for ages, not down to any particular natural talent, more probably luck and the lack of recent rain, but lo and behold a voice came from afar and put crashing firmly back on the agenda. Let me explain.

Once upon a time your humble narrator was a dashing and handsome 16 yr old young man, with an ego the size of a celestial body. It is now around the size of Uranus, but back then it was a proper Jupiter sized, 16 year old know it all little shit ego that only 16 year old know it all little shits could have. Anyway, I was seeing a girl who lived in the sticks outside Reading, and her lil’ sis had this moped, long story short, I gave it the big ‘un, the old, “yeah, I’ve nicked loads of bikes and I can ride hard core. Chuck it here and I’ll show you some shit” kind a thang.

So your humble narrator gasses the shamefully poor 50cc Honda Shopper, shoots off and crashes into a barbed wire fence in front of said girl and lil sis. To add insult to injury, the family Dog chooses this moment to rape my leg. I have a scar on my leg to this day from that fucking fence.

Any way, I log on to Facebook to find the following message;

“Richarrrddd, I was reading your very funny blog on your training regime. He he nice one, nearly made me laugh as much as seeing you flying into a fence on a scooter - ho ho”.

And guess what? Yep, the day I read this I went out for a ride and crashed coming downhill at about 25MPH, hit a root and BANG! Upside down in a bush of the sharpest bramble you will ever find.

So the simply put, if you want to avoid crashing, don't give it the big 'un.

Never could stand that dog.

One Month Done

Well true believers I have completed my 1st month of training, and overall not bad.

I have gone from being knackered after 10 miles to knackered after 30
Lost over half a stone in weight (17.4 to 16.7)

Saturday was a comedy of bike related errors. I wanted to join the ride from Quest, the local bike shop as it’s a nice social ride with some nice people that culminates in cake. However the pace is usually quite sedate and with a lot of riders you get a lot of punctures and mechanical hold ups, and I wanted to get in some serious miles, so I was to be up at 6, ride to Devils Dyke and back and join in the Quest ride at 10AM.

Also gave me a chance to try out new kit on the bike (Tyres, pedal, and grips all wore out), and I have a new hydrating rucksack!!

Perfect, except the Steed has had different ideas, and decided that I needed some lessons on wheels. Being a big chap, obviously the stresses, or radial compression, I place on the wheels are quite high, and the wheels that came with the Steed are a bit on the cheap side. The wheels go round, the spokes compress and bend and eventually they fatigue and the wheel begins to buckle. Additionally, the hubs aren’t sealed and we have had water in the bearing and worn them down, which means the wheel wobbled from side to side. Long story short the back wheel was a bit f**ked!

I popped round to Jim the bike whisperer during the week, to see if he could help with re packing the hub and see if that helped. It didn’t, but we had a nice chat, some of Amy’s lovely Banana cake and Tea and I now know how to repack bearings. Seriously, Jim is the Cesar Milan of MTB, The bike whisperer. My front wheel was doing all sorts of misbehaviour on one ride; in fact it nearly fell off. Jim calmly took it off, caressed the cones and put it back on. Job done! One MTB in a calm submissive state.

Anyway, back to Saturday, my alarm didn’t go off as I forgot to set it but I got out the door at about 7, with a mission to ride for 1.5 hrs and then turn around and head to the bike shop to meet the guys. I got as far as Cissbury Ring and the back wheel just gave up the ghost with some horrid grinding noises, and your humble narrator nursed the Steed to the bikeshop to wait for Darren to turn up. God bless Darren, he basically rebuilt the hub in 1hr and got me back out for 10AM! The bad news is that basically I have cheap shitty wheels and being a fat bastard, they are going to do the same again. So I must look into getting some quality wheels – at £285 a pair!!!!

I can feel another guitar being sold.

The second mechanical mishap (yes there was more than one), was the quick release mechanism for my seat breaking. That was a right pain in the arse, as we were just about to do some righteous downhillage and I had to brace the seat post with a mudguard clamp. Stopped it from going up and down but it span round and round, really annoying and made me crash a lot in a very short space of time.

Fortunately we were very near to the village of Steyning; I offer gracious thanks to the proprietor of Steyning hardware for helping to fix the seat. However, I offer this statement to the remaining villagers:

Fcuk Steyning.

What an uptight shitty little place!! I admit that 30 odd MTBers invading your blue blood twee Tory shithole could be a little intimidating and gangs of middle aged accountants rampaging through the village must be very upsetting. We wanted to take a breather whilst the running repairs were completed and we were clearly very unwelcome. Apparently at one point, it nearly came to blows in the newsagent. People of Steyning – stop taking yourselves so seriously, and lighten up!

Until then, Steyning is on the list of villages I have a beef with, along with Chiddingfold, Shiplake and Botley. Arseholes. However the butcher in Chiddingfold makes exceedingly good sausages.

I reckon I can find a few more before this mission is over.

Rock on!

Tales from the sea

I am sooo pleased I was in the Royal Navy, I didn't know it at the time but the lessons I learnt from various sailors, and the occasional Captain have served me really well;

"Life gives you nothing for nothing, give it your all, and take what you can when you can". Chief Petty Officer when I left Ark Royal

"you can't polish a turd!". Leading Hand when noticing I had painted over rust.

"We will never quit a battle as it guarantees we lose; but I will make sure pick we pick our battles well. If we lose I picked the wrong one to fight".

Captain Richard Hastilow as we sailed to Bosnian operations in The Adriatic Sea

The most valuable one was the 1st one; 24th June 1991 HMS Raleigh

"If you get through basic training, the rest is a doddle. There is nothing in the fleet or in life that will push you as hard as this will. Don't wait - do it again NOW". CPO Yorkie Broom to me after I had failed my Swimming Test in basic training. I had one more attempt to pass or that was it; out of the Navy - he made me do it again as soon as I failed. You do your swimming test in the 1st week, and then you are passed on to a different instructor.

I passed and I bumped into Yorkie in a pub in Plymouth about 3 years later. He actually remembered and told me that he knew that if i took it straight away I would pass, if I had waited the pressure would have got to a 17 yr old your humble narrator and i might have struggled.

He also told me that another guy in my position he made him wait and he failed, I asked him why he did that and he simply said;

"Some people just won't make the grade - some will given a chance, I gave you a chance".

I still think about that sometimes, and how his decision pushed my life in such a different direction; Successful in the RN, went to Uni, good job, wife, kids, house etc.

Could have been back to Reading with no qualifications.

I won't let him down.

Ain't nuthin' but a thang.

Greetings true believers, you humble narrator has been quietly chipping away with the training, and it appears to be going well. As I mentioned in previous musings, my focus was going to be busting hills and after a month of it I can keep up on the Tuesday rides with the Sussex MTB crew now, and am not breathing out of my arse after every hill I go up. I have now switched to cycling in higher gears to try and get the arse breathing sensation back as I miss it. I truly am becoming obsessed, I actually went up a bastard of a hill, known locally as "Cardiac", and thought, "ooh that was fun, lets do it again!!" So I did, and I even did a ladder drop off, which to the uninitiated is basically jumping of stuff on a MTB.

So, what has enabled this strange burst of enthusiam and energy? Well seeing 4 kilos disappear is very encouraging, now down to 107, so about 10-12KG away from race day weight and 118 days to go. The endurance side is really improving, I cycled from home to Devils Dyke (yes I found it) which was 29 miles. I was absolutely knackered, but considering 1 month ago I was knackered after only 10 miles, things are going in the right direction.

My equipment is feeling the pace, the rear wheel bearings are clearly on the way out so looking at a new wheel or hub. Also the hand grips, pedals, and tyres all need to be replaced, I need a new Hydration rucksack and the saddle was replaced with a more cheek friendly design 2 weeks ago.

I watched Tropic Thunder, one of the funniest films ever and the sight of Tom Cruise in a fat suit shouting about a Hobo's dickcheese had me pissing myself. He is quite funny for a Scientologist, whereas John Travolta clearly has no sense of humour. I think Tom finds the whole L-Ron Hubbard thing quite funny really, and it has helped him make loads of cash, yet old John Trav takes it way too seriously, I mean come on! Aliens, for F**ks sake!!!! (Please don't send the boys round to hurt me, oh, I forgot I live in England not Hollywood. We know its not real). You dick.

Anyway, Robert Downey Jr playing Kirk Lazarus playing Sgt Lincoln Osiris has provided me with my hillbusting mantra that I may have emblazoned on the bike and t-shirts........ "You never go full retard!"

Not really.....



"Ain't nuthin'but a thang".

I see the hills in the distance....."Ain't nuthin'but a thang".

100 Miles....."Ain't nuthin'but a thang".